It's been almost a year since we took the biggest leap of our married life by moving away from our family and mayberry-esque small town to live out our one wild and precious life and work out our own salvation. I wish I could tell you it's been the best year of our life, but that would be a big, fat lie.
Don't get me wrong. Just because it wasn't the best year doesn't mean it hasn't been a beautiful year. It's been one of those years that as you get a little time between you and it you can look back and appreciate what it taught you and admire the person you've become as a result of those lessons. But there hasn't been enough time between us for me to have that perspective fully just yet.
But I do see beauty when I look back.
This year has been about growing up and becoming who I really am. And what a mess that has been! There's been a lot of trying on and taking off and readjusting and throwing away and then just sitting down with arms folded and frowny face and sighing deeply.
I thought by 30, now 31, I'd have it all figured out. And by all I just mean me. I thought I'd know me and who I am, but I'm realizing that I'm just now getting to know myself after about a decade of trying to be someone else.
No, that's not right. I was trying to figure myself out, not that I was trying to be someone else, but I just didn't know who I was.
If I'm completely honest I think the messy part has been realizing who I had become. When I looked in my heart I didn't like what was there. So I quickly slammed that door and tried to avoid it. But nothing ever goes away like that so I'm facing the mess. Piece by piece. It's difficult to live your life in front of people while you're trying to navigate the mess of yourself.
I have to keep reminding myself that it was while we were yet sinners that Christ died for us.
And on those hard days I repeat over and over that it was for this moment, messes like these, days like this that HE died for ME.
And then I can keep going knowing that He cares enough about me to roll up His sleeves and get right in the mess with me and help me.
He reminds me that I don't have to be perfect to be beautiful because I am His and HE makes all things new and beautiful in time.
image from here