seek ye first

The sermon at church this morning got me to thinking.  Derek, our minister, was preaching on evangelism and what's keeping us from it. He asked the question--can you really call yourself a Christian if you never make disciples?  To emphasize his point he said, can you really call yourself a fisherman if you never catch fish--even if you know a lot about fishing and you get together with other fishermen like you and talk about all that you know?  The main thing I took away from it is what am I afraid of?  I don't even know if that's a question he asked, but it was definitely one that was haunting me all day...all the time lately, really.  

I am a perfectionist.  I don't want to make mistakes (I do, but I don't want to).  I'm probably OCD, too.  Because of that, I become paralyzed by my fears--namely, failure.  

Stupid fear of failure.  

It literally paralyzes me.  As long as I do nothing then I won't mess up.  I'm afraid to get my hands dirty because what if it all backfires and then I'm left cleaning up a mess for what seems like no good reason?  I know there's good reason.  These are just the crazy thoughts that I have.  And I've always been this way.  In high school, as yearbook editor,  I did away with the ambition section for my senior class because I was afraid to write my dreams down on paper in black and white for all to see for fear that if they never came true someone would know I had failed.

It's not just fear of failure.  I'm an anxious person.  I like to stay in my comfort zone because anything outside of that is unfamiliar and makes me panic.  I'm embarrassed to admit this because when I do you'll know how crippling this is for me and I don't want people to know these things, but it is what it is.  We moved here a year ago, and I'm still afraid to go shopping by myself outside of a few places right around us.  I don't take Amos outside much by myself because I don't know my neighbors like I knew everyone in Ragland so I can't predict what may happen (as if I ever could, really...and we live in an excellent neighborhood).  I check closets and behind shower curtains every time I come home to an empty house.  Crazy stuff like that.  I KNOW these things are irrational.  

I've been to a counselor.  I've taken medicine.  It helps.  But the fear I've been feeling lately isn't something that medicine can take away.  I need to cling to The One who goes before me and stands behind me.

I don't agree with Christians who say that if you just loved God more or trusted Him more then you wouldn't experience these things.  I think that medicine can most certainly help and that everyone could benefit from seeing a counselor, but in my case right now, I know that those things won't touch the depths of what's keeping me anxious and fearful.  I need to fill those depths with God's Word and lean on His promises.

I read a lot about parenting and the bottom line seems to be that there are a lot of ways to go about it, lots of different ideas and methods, but as long as you are becoming more like Christ, then all those other things will work out.  I stress over the methods and the ideas when what I really should be focusing on is Christ.  I'm missing the forest for the trees.

And so it is with much of my life.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that I don't need to focus on evangelism and get all worked up and fearful about that.  It's not the main idea (nor is parenting or marriage or whatever else I get consumed by).  The main idea is that I need to seek my Savior and be so filled with Him that all areas of my life will be touched by the overflow and there won't be room left for fear.  Then I'll be a disciple-maker and a good wife and mama and whatever else.  

It's as simple as seek ye first, but I always forget about that when it comes time to make application.  

image found here

how lucky i am

Indeed!

Starting over.  Moving on.  Taking a new path.  Changing your course.  A new beginning.  Whatever you want to call it.

I'm not good at it.  

I'm good at a few things, but change just isn't one of them.  

And I think that's ok.  

I sure am glad there are people that are good at it, though.  Because they help and encourage me.  They stand as examples of where I strive to go and what I strive to be.

But it takes me quite a bit longer to get there.

And again, I think that's ok.

I think it's just in my nature to always have to go about things the hard way.  I can never learn a lesson the easy way.  

But canyons aren't carved out in a day's time of water trickling through.  It takes a while.  It takes time to carve away the hard areas.  I think God is just as faithful and committed to my hard-headedness and stubborn ways.  

He covers me and fills all the cracks and carves away the hardness so that he can have even more room to fill me.  

Lots of times I really wish I could learn the easy way, but I'm thankful that God is long-suffering toward me.

And I'm so thankful that God knows the big picture and wants me to see places and experience beauty that I would be too afraid to see and experience on my own.

And while He may be met with resistance, it's my desire to follow Him and go where He leads.  

I don't want to be resistant, but I'm terrified of the unknown.  I know He knows and I do trust Him, but it's still unknown to me.

But, oh boy, I can only imagine the grin that comes across His face as I start to see what it is that He wanted me to see all along, and I start to fall in love with the plan that He had from the beginning. 

image found here 

accentuate the positives

I'm sitting here this Sunday morning in my favorite chair sipping my favorite coffee out of a new mug with mint stripes from Target.  I'm waiting for my precious baby boy to wake up and feeling one part thankful that he's finally getting rest and another part scared that he's sleeping this late.  We're going to the doctor when he wakes up.  He hasn't been feeling well for about a week.  

I've been trying to count my blessings because Amos being sick can get my anxiety spinning out of control.  A million what ifs start attacking my brain and I panic.  So I try to take my thoughts captive and steer them in a better direction.  

Sometimes I think my brain and my heart give more weight to the negatives.  The positives are weighty, but it's like the negatives tip the scale in their direction even if there are more positives on the other side.  

I like to read blogs that keep it real.  I like stories and movies that aren't dripping with syrup, but bottom line, negative things weigh me down and I don't want to be weighed down.  I want to focus my mind and heart on the good.  Sure, there will be bad days, but I'm going into this new year looking at the glass half full...not even that...I'm looking at the glass of water as refreshing and thirst-quenching and just being thankful that I have a glass with water in it...however much.  

I am so inspired by bloggers like Stephanie Nielson and Kelle Hampton and Lisa Leonard who find the good in the everyday; who MAKE good come from everyday.  

We are the authors of our own story.  It can be a depressing one where we stay home and mope or we can choose to fill it with interesting things that keep life going and make it full and meaningful.  

That's my goal for this year.  

I'm going to accentuate the positives!

image found here

beauty in imperfection

It's been almost a year since we took the biggest leap of our married life by moving away from our family and mayberry-esque small town to live out our one wild and precious life and work out our own salvation.  I wish I could tell you it's been the best year of our life, but that would be a big, fat lie.

Don't get me wrong.  Just because it wasn't the best year doesn't mean it hasn't been a beautiful year.  It's been one of those years that as you get a little time between you and it you can look back and appreciate what it taught you and admire the person you've become as a result of those lessons.  But there hasn't been enough time between us for me to have that perspective fully just yet.    

But I do see beauty when I look back.  

This year has been about growing up and becoming who I really am.  And what a mess that has been!  There's been a lot of trying on and taking off and readjusting and throwing away and then just sitting down with arms folded and frowny face and sighing deeply.

I thought by 30, now 31, I'd have it all figured out.  And by all I just mean me.  I thought I'd know me and who I am, but I'm realizing that I'm just now getting to know myself after about a decade of trying to be someone else.

No, that's not right.  I was trying to figure myself out, not that I was trying to be someone else, but I just didn't know who I was.  

If I'm completely honest I think the messy part has been realizing who I had become.  When I looked in my heart I didn't like what was there.  So I quickly slammed that door and tried to avoid it.  But nothing ever goes away like that so I'm facing the mess.  Piece by piece.  It's difficult to live your life in front of people while you're trying to navigate the mess of yourself.  

I have to keep reminding myself that it was while we were yet sinners that Christ died for us.  

And on those hard days I repeat over and over that it was for this moment, messes like these, days like this that HE died for ME. 

And then I can keep going knowing that He cares enough about me to roll up His sleeves and get right in the mess with me and help me.  

He reminds me that I don't have to be perfect to be beautiful because I am His and HE makes all things new and beautiful in time.

image from here

chasing a dream

On Friday I told my fear of failure and all my insecurities that they were not going to rule my life any more.  I reminded myself that I am a strong and capable woman.  Remember that time I birthed an almost 10 pound baby completely naturally?  One of the reasons I wanted to go completely natural was to prove to myself that I could.  I was once a super confident girl, but somewhere along the way fear and insecurity crept in and paralyzed me.  I stopped believing in myself.  I'm blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who have never stopped believing in me and whose encouragement along the way has carried me when I wasn't able to go on my own.

I love photography.  It's a way to take a memory that you have, capture it, and hold it in your hands.  I think about how fast Amos is growing and how every night I close my eyes so tightly to try to make sure all the moments of the day are stored away never to be forgotten.  But then I look at pictures from when he was a newborn and remember.  I didn't forget, but the pictures help me remember.  Are you that way?  And then I am so thankful that I took that picture just in case there ever does come a time when I forget to remember.  And what about for my future legacy?  I love to look at photos of Matthew as a baby.  I didn't know him then, but I can imagine him by looking at those precious pictures that his mom has in a worn photo album.

Cue an answer to prayers and a boost to my soul in a simple little request for me to photograph these sweet children.  

together

 It feels good.

Walking through this life together.

fall family pictures

We recently took some fall family pictures and here's how they turned out.

Not professional, but not too bad for a stay at home mom who likes to take pictures and save money by DIY-ing it especially when you're trying to get a 16 month old to be still for the camera.  Most of the time things looked like this...or worse!